Getting Older

The following post was written and published on 1 June 2008 but I have updated it just a bit by adding Facebook into the mix.  I was working in San Francisco at that time and had to take BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) to work everyday.  Because of this, thinking became my companion.





I ride on a commuter train that has me engaged in three things at the same time: reading, watching and thinking.

My commute is about 20 - 25 minutes which gives me plenty of time to do all three, but I find myself doing the latter two the most. What am I watching and what am I thinking? Mostly the older people. Why am I watching? I watch their actions. How they just sit there looking out the window and I wonder what are they thinking about. Then I start thinking about getting old and will I be like the person I am watching and observing? A good 99.9% of time, I hope I do not become the person I am observing for they seem lonely and without hope. They seem to be holding on to hope, all the while hope is trying to release itself from their grappling hold.

I have always wanted to make my living doing something I thoroughly enjoy doing which is either music or writing. I have released two CDs and two poetry books. Both were done with the determination of me and both released by way of myself. I could have tried to find a more traditional way of having both release (music by way of a record label and poetry by way of an agent then a publishing company), but in this day and age of the internet and self-publishing sites, I choose the non-traditional way, which is slowly becoming the alternative traditional way.

My dream was to "make it" in the field of music. I wanted to tour and such. But now I am older and the dream has whittled down to just being able to make a living writing music. Because of my love of poetry (Dickinson, Poe, Hughes, Frost, etc.) I wanted to make it as a successful poet. I did not want to become known for my poetry after I had left this earth to where I cannot enjoy the rewards of my hard work. I am still working towards my goal. The same concept goes for my music.

I do not want to be 60 something years old retiring from a 9 - 5 job. I dread that everyday I am on the commuter train. That's another thing I wonder about when I am observing the older people. I wonder did they accomplish what they wanted in life? Are there goals they are still trying to reach? Are there goals they did not reach and thus regret it? Well, its not reaching the goal they would regret, its not trying. I do not want to be on the 'not trying' in the end, but more importantly, I do not want to be on the 'did not reach my goals' end.

I am currently editing my first novel and I feel what I am writing about, although written before, has not been written by the likes of me. My novel is a historical/fiction novel where the protagonist is in an unnamed concentration camp.  Where the 'unlikes of me' come into play, is that I have no Jewish background, as far as ethnicity and I have no family members who were interned at such camps.  My writing comes from within me.  All the words, all the feelings all the descriptions came from me. My intentions did not begin that way, but they soon fell that way as a leverage on my part in possible high sales.

I will be self publishing my novel and promote my novel as well. I know what I need to do, I just need to do it.

But of everything I fear when I reach my golden-years I fear of being lonely. I fear the person I am with will go before me and I will not know what to do with myself.

When I was young, I did not mind being alone. As a matter of fact I preferred it that way. But now I am getting older and feel time is fleeting (which it is unfortunate), I don't want to be alone. I think that's why I enjoy the Internet so much. Although I do not speak to others on pogo.com just being able to go where they are people is comforting enough for me.  Now Facebook is my second companion.

I think as long as the Internet is around and I still have my wits about me, I will be okay.

Until next time:
"“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” Fulton Oursler

Thoughts From the Underground: The Kitchen House by Kathleen Grissom - Part I

Thoughts From the Underground: The Kitchen House by Kathleen Grissom - Part I: "A co-worker informed me of this book a while back - OK it was really three months ago (a while back sounded more interesting) and I immedia..."

The Kitchen House by Kathleen Grissom - Part I

A co-worker informed me of this book a while back - OK it was really three months ago (a while back sounded more interesting) and I immediately downloaded the book to my NookColor app on my iPad but ignored it.  It was one of those I'll read it when I get to it things.  I had a semi list of books I wanted to read roaming around in my gulliver already.  Not a set list, but one of those lists that keeps growing and instead of doing the oldest things first, you do the newest item on your list first and then the next thing you know - well you know.


I was reminded again from my co-worker, rather asked by my co-worker if I had begun The Kitchen House. My answer was of course, no.  I was asked again a week later, but in between all of this I find my eyes constantly looking at the cover on my Nook while I select the book I was actually reading.  


I had read three books before - rather 2.5 books before beginning TKH.  One being The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins and NO, I am not a fan at all.  I put that book down three times and finally gave up.  It did not hold my interest all.  When Katniss is at training (which I where I left her) just had me falling asleep.  I think too much time was spent there - but I digress.  However, I am eagerly waiting for the movie, believe it or not.  The next book I began reading was The Box: Uncanny Stories by Richard Matheson.  This book is a collection of short stories. Right up my alley in case I get bored, I can still struggle through because I know it will end in three or so pages instead of 200 pages.  The first story Button Button was made into a movie which I found quite odd because there weren't that many pages to the story - yet, I really enjoyed the story.  Upon finishing that, I went back to The Hunger Games - still no luck on getting through it.  I started reading Suicide Notes by Michael Thomas Ford.  I absolutely loved this book.  After I finished it, I went back to THG and still without luck and trust me I tried my hardest - more like damnedest to like the book.  OK.  Got asked again about TKH by my co-worker and this time I actually opened the book up and OMG! am I glad I did.


Not since The Help have I read a book that enthralled me to the point that I did not want to put it down.  My 15 minutes breaks and hour lunches were spent reading this book.  My waking moment, when not reading, was spent thinking about the characters and their situations and wondering what's coming next.  I was so immersed into this book that I began talking to my co-worker about the characters like they were real people.  I would walk past her and say, Lavinia's marrying Marshall. I would do this a few times.  Sometimes I would just speak over my cubicle about someone in the book and we would hold a conversation like the people we were are speaking of were alive in 2011, when in actuality, they are people from 1791 who lived and worked on plantation in Virginia.  


The Kitchen House is set during slavery where the cast of character from Lavinia (a seven year old indentured servant) to Mama Mae (a slave on the plantation) begin to intertwine with each other and help each other through the struggles of every day living to the tragedies that is a slave's life.


Tonight, I had the honor of speaking with the author, Kathleen Grissom.  The interview was approximately an hour and then we had a nice off the record conversation.  Not only did I speak with a fascinating writer, but in the process, I do believe I have gained a friend.


Part II of this blog will include my synopsis of the book.  Part III will the transcript of my interview with the author.  I must forwarn that the interview may contain spoilers from the book.  I say 'may' because I going to figure out way to write the transcript and leave some names out - actually, its more of way for me to wet your whistle and wanting more - which will get you to purchase the book.  But I will be causing that affect on you in part II of my blog, if I haven't done so already, which will take place tomorrow.


In the meantime, I must go watch and blog Young and Restless.  You can find my blog of yesterday's episode by clicking on the following link:

Suds In The Bucket

Until Next Time:

“He that loves a book will never want a faithful friend, a wholesome counselor, a cheerful companion, an effectual comforter. By study, by reading, by thinking, one may innocently divert and pleasantly entertain himself, as in all weathers, as in all fortunes.”  Barrow

ENDING THIS BLOG

I'm not getting many readers here so I'm going to end this blog for a bit.  My other blog http://withoutsound.blogspot.com is locking and poppin, so I'll devote my time over there.  I may come here once in a while when I have something in my gulliver I want to share with you all, but until then, enjoy my other blog.  I know there's nothing but Mob Wives there right now, but I'll be adding more shows as I find them.

For those of you that did stop by to read, I thank you from the bottom of my heart

For those that didn't stop by and are doing right now...well - there's nothing to see anymore.  Go read the old stuff and then hop over to my other blog.

Until next time,

//Signed//

Nikki

The Clash of Alice In Chains

The first song I heard by Alice In Chain's was "Man in the Box" I thought they were the basest band around because of the guitar work that was not your normal screaming, high pitch shrill that cause your ear to bleed. Instead the guitar playing of Jerry Cantrell is very power with a rhythm and blues wrapped in a lot of rock and roll which I find funny because according to Jerry, "We're a lot of different things...I don't quite know what the mixture is, but there's definitely metal blues, rock and roll, maybe a touch of punk."



You can hear what he's speaking about in the song listed above. Because of that song I wanted to get the album the song was off of which was "Facelift" until the guy at the record store suggested "Dirt" stating that was their best work and I have to say I agree. I think this album combines all the sound Jerry spoke when describing Alice's style. From the heaviness of Them Bones to the slow beginnings of Rooster. If you get any Alice album please get this one. You will not be disappointed.

And while you're at it pick up Combat Rock and London Calling, both by The Clash. As with Alice's Dirt, these two Clash albums gives a mixture of music from punk to rock to blues with a hint of reggae or ska. Not sure which. But it doesn't matter. The music and lyrics are all that matter on all albums listed from both Alice in Chains and The Clash.

Before We're Adopted, We're Abandoned

Basic human contact - the meeting of eyes, the exchanging of words - is to the psyche what oxygen is to the brain. If you're feeling abandoned by the world, interact with anyone you can....MARTHA BECK

Validation

On the final episode of Oprah (25 May 2011) she ended her show by speaking about validation and how we all need and want it. I kinda hold validation and acceptance in the same light. We all want and seek it one way or another. The following is my opinion on validation and the want and need of it.

Some seek it by the people they surround themselves with. The non-popular person my try to get in with the "it" crowd to gain some self worth and outside acceptance from those around them. Some may do it by making what ever issue they have going on bigger than what it is to get sympathy from others. This validates them as being important. Some do it through lies they tell about themselves to make themselves seem tougher or better than what they are. If the person they are telling lies to sticks around, the liar is obtaining false validation. Since the friendship was formed on lies, the validation is not only false, but to be short lived, for the victim, if they value their self worth, will see past the lies and discover the false friendship.

Some seek validation from groups of people while some may seek it through one person. Some seek it so bad they are willing to accept anyone that gives it to them - even if that person is not good for them. The whole love is blind thing applies here.

But what about the validation you can give yourself by being yourself. By not putting on airs for someone. By not feeling you have to do others wrong to make yourself look like the good person. By not demeaning another because your self worth is below the radar.

I used to seek acceptance/validation by many growing up and I think it has to do with being an only child. I am not saying only children do this. I even did it in my teen age years and in my adult years. But we get to a time in our lives that self validation is only to be seeked by one person and that person is someone who is going to tell you the truth. Who is going to guide you in the right direction and not lie or steal from you (see Shakespeare's Othello about stealing one's name) to either better themselves or make themselves feel better.

But people are not the only way we seek validation. We also seek it through the music we create, the poetry we write our novels/short stories that we produce and definitely through our blogs.

My validation comes in the form of the number of visitors that visit my blog - either this one or my other blog Words Without Sound. I used to seek validation via my music and my poetry, but I find blogging to be my greatest joy because I am either bringing joy to others, enlightening others, making other think about things or just bringing a smile to others.

I wanted people to follow me, but that's not needed. Those that are following me are greatly appreciated for doing so. Those that aren't are still greatly appreciated because it's not the number of face and names I see on the right side of my blog, but as mentioned, the number of visitors I get a day. I write for myself first and then for the readers be my regular readers who's names and faces I do not know or my new readers that I acquire everyday.

My main validation is my completion of the blog, such as this one. When I go back and read it and feel good about it, then I have validated myself first. When I publish it, the public will validate it by reading, which in turn validates me and wants me to write more and more.

Until next time:
"What the superior man seeks is in himself; what the small man seeks is in others" Confucius



-Thoughts From The Underground-