Basic human contact - the meeting of eyes, the exchanging of words - is to the psyche what oxygen is to the brain. If you're feeling abandoned by the world, interact with anyone you can....MARTHA BECK
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Before We're Adopted, We're Abandoned
Basic human contact - the meeting of eyes, the exchanging of words - is to the psyche what oxygen is to the brain. If you're feeling abandoned by the world, interact with anyone you can....MARTHA BECK
I’ve always known I was adopted since I was very young. My mother thought it best I know as soon possible then me finding out in another fashion. Telling a child once they are adopted and perhaps a few more times while enforcing the fact that they are the lucky ones because they were chosen, is OK. But continually telling that child, teenager and adult they are adopted and if the parent hadn’t adopted them, the child could have died in the orphanage is NOT the way to go. There are many reasons for this, but being told that no one wanted you, and the person that has you now, basically doesn’t want you, is what the child, teenager and adult is hearing and keeps with them throughout life.
ABANDONMENT ISSUES:
I didn’t realize I had abandonment issues until I was in my 30’s and that’s when I realized I couldn’t stand anyone leaving me. I am not speaking of someone I’ve known for years or someone I feel I am tight with. This could be someone I just met and we’ve talked a few time and suddenly no communication. I always had this thing that I would find a way to destroy a friendship or potential friendship first, but I didn’t know why I did this. It wasn’t until I was speaking to a friend of mine that I realized that I had these issues. It was also speaking with my friend that I realized the adopted parent(s) dislike their adopted child because that child is NOT really theirs. Knowing each of these issues didn’t cure the illness within, but made it more easier to deal with. But how?
I’M NOT YOURS - BIOLOGICALLY
Although I am not of the flesh and blood, I am of my flesh and blood and feelings. Being told constantly that I would have died in the orphanage if I had not been adopted made me feel guilty for being adopted but at the same time wishing I wasn’t adopted and rolling the dice on would I live or die because of it. I probably would have lived for I believe someone else would have adopted me. Or perhaps not. That I cannot speculate on. I am no longer dealing with or caring about the feelings of another. I am only concerning myself with me. It might sound selfish, but after 30 something years of hearing the same thing, you learn to abandon-YES abandon the thoughts of another and focus on yourself and realizing you are no less of person because you were adopted and they are the ones with that particular issue...NOT YOU!
I’LL LEAVE YOU BEFORE YOU LEAVE ME
I’ve always enjoying meeting new people and forming friendships but once things good to comfortable, I would abandon that friendship. Yes, I was the doing the abandoning, and I didn’t feel I had to explain myself to nobody. However, if someone pulled themselves away from me I wondered why and would try to seek out some type of explanation. Not that any explanation would be OK for me. I would find ways to fix the friendship only so I could leave. Again, I’m doing the I’ll leave you before you leave me even if you’ve left me already.
ABANDONMENT ISSUES
Up until a couple of weeks ago, I had these issues. Didn’t like anyone leaving me. But I’ve realized that people are going to leave either physically or by way of destroying the trust you had for them. I’ve always known people are going to come and go in your life, but it wasn’t until a couple of weeks ago I finally let go of the abandonment issues I had. No, not fully let them go, because they will always be there, but enough to not care of anyone is around me except those that I REALLY want around me. I also no longer destroy relationships - they seem to destroy themselves on their own and once they are destroyed I have no want to bring them back from the dead. I don’t try to clean up the broken pieces, find out what happened and then try to fix it. My time will no longer be spent trying to fix those that are broken.
I no longer have the hopes of forming friendship with people upon meeting them. I no longer care how things go and don’t get sad when they go south.
Lately, I have met to many people “sometime” people. Sometime they talk to you, sometime they don’t. I only go which ever way their wind is blowing and once I leave their presence or they mine, they are a memory to me not worth bringing to the forefront. I’ve learned how to develop amnesia when it comes to people that don’t mean a hill a beans to me.
WHATEVER DOESN’T KILL YOU...
We all go through difficulties in our lives - some good and some bad - but how we come out in the end is what makes our character. People have a choice on their behavior - or rather - their attitude in the aftermath of tragedy. Some want to blame their childhood on their evil doings. Some take their terrible childhood, learn from it and become good productive human beings. I’m more of the latter than the first. What I mean is, I have taken my childhood and realized that what another has done does not make me a bad person. But I have gotten to the “I don’t care what you do” stage in my life.
I am no longer chasing people down to find out what’s going on with them. I am no longer seeking current friendship as being possible long term friendships. I am no longer holding my breath for someone to call or text me when they give the impression they really want to form a friendship with me. I am no longer falling for the lies and schemes presented before me. I will make one think they have me in the palm of their hand, but they really don’t.
I will always enjoying meeting new people and connecting with people and learning from others, but the road to friendship is no longer paved with want, but rather with time, because
BEFORE WE’RE ADOPTED WE’RE ABANDONED!
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