I ride on a commuter train that has me engaged in three things at the same time: reading, watching and thinking.
My commute is about 20 - 25 minutes which gives me plenty of time to do all three, but I find myself doing the latter two the most. What am I watching and what am I thinking? Mostly the older people. Why am I watching? I watch their actions. How they just sit there looking out the window and I wonder what are they thinking about. Then I start thinking about getting old and will I be like the person I am watching and observing? A good 99.9% of time, I hope I do not become the person I am observing for they seem lonely and without hope. They seem to be holding on to hope, all the while hope is trying to release itself from their grappling hold.
I have always wanted to make my living doing something I thoroughly enjoy doing which is either music or writing. I have released two CDs and two poetry books. Both were done with the determination of me and both released by way of myself. I could have tried to find a more traditional way of having both release (music by way of a record label and poetry by way of an agent then a publishing company), but in this day and age of the internet and self-publishing sites, I choose the non-traditional way, which is slowly becoming the alternative traditional way.
My dream was to "make it" in the field of music. I wanted to tour and such. But now I am older and the dream has whittled down to just being able to make a living writing music. Because of my love of poetry (Dickinson, Poe, Hughes, Frost, etc.) I wanted to make it as a successful poet. I did not want to become known for my poetry after I had left this earth to where I cannot enjoy the rewards of my hard work. I am still working towards my goal. The same concept goes for my music.
I do not want to be 60 something years old retiring from a 9 - 5 job. I dread that everyday I am on the commuter train. That's another thing I wonder about when I am observing the older people. I wonder did they accomplish what they wanted in life? Are there goals they are still trying to reach? Are there goals they did not reach and thus regret it? Well, its not reaching the goal they would regret, its not trying. I do not want to be on the 'not trying' in the end, but more importantly, I do not want to be on the 'did not reach my goals' end.
I am currently editing my first novel and I feel what I am writing about, although written before, has not been written by the likes of me. My novel is a historical/fiction novel where the protagonist is in an unnamed concentration camp. Where the 'unlikes of me' come into play, is that I have no Jewish background, as far as ethnicity and I have no family members who were interned at such camps. My writing comes from within me. All the words, all the feelings all the descriptions came from me. My intentions did not begin that way, but they soon fell that way as a leverage on my part in possible high sales.
I will be self publishing my novel and promote my novel as well. I know what I need to do, I just need to do it.
But of everything I fear when I reach my golden-years I fear of being lonely. I fear the person I am with will go before me and I will not know what to do with myself.
When I was young, I did not mind being alone. As a matter of fact I preferred it that way. But now I am getting older and feel time is fleeting (which it is unfortunate), I don't want to be alone. I think that's why I enjoy the Internet so much. Although I do not speak to others on pogo.com just being able to go where they are people is comforting enough for me. Now Facebook is my second companion.
I think as long as the Internet is around and I still have my wits about me, I will be okay.
Until next time:
"“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” Fulton Oursler
No comments:
Post a Comment